A Good Grieve: Dealing with Death

How Do We Process When Someone Passes ON?

Whew. This one is a bit on the heavy side, friends as we talk candidly about death, the process of dying and grieving those we love when they pass on. Listen in on our secular (non-religious) conversation about it all, in a podcast recorded soon after the sudden loss of a family member. As always, this is a made for kids episode, and the talks between us are supported by A Kids Book About Death by Author Taryn Schuelke.

Dad, this one's for you. You are loved and will be missed more than you know. 

Dedicated to Lowell Pryor (1949 - 2022)

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In Gratitude,

Rachael Laya & Cyla Grace Hoffman

Transcription:
[0:01] Hey Friends. Before we start this episode, I want to say something this past week, my mom's dad, my grandfather Lowell passed away unexpectedly from Covid.
So in this episode we're going to talk about death if you don't feel comfortable listening now you can bookmark this,
episode and listen to it another day when you're ready or if you're grieving the loss of someone you love our hearts go out to you.
This episode is dedicated to grandpa Lowell. I love you.

[0:34] Hey friends, welcome to the she sounds like me podcast.
We're your hosts, Rachel Lindsay Hoffman and I'm still a grace. Hoffman were a mom and daughter duo that works together, plays together and tries to figure out this crazy world together.
Yeah, mom and we're super grateful you could join us today.
This is the she sounds like me podcast. she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me Welcome to the she sounds like me podcast.
Whoa, whoa whoa hold up mom, before we get this party started we got to let them know the goods.
First Friends if you like what you hear, subscribe to this podcast on your chosen platform, give us a five star review or join our conversation online, she sounds like me on the socials and she sounds like me dot com.
Okay mom, now let's get to it, let's get to it.
Alright Silas, here we go, are you doing better?
I'm doing okay but it's been hard week. It's been a hard week for everyone.

[1:46] At least your friends have given you chocolate lot of wine uh other things Flowers.
Mm hmm Yeah you know um when we lose someone we, Love, anytime,
it's hard Yeah and even if you know what's going to happen someday, it's unexpected and scary and painful. Yeah.
It's called grief and grieving is what we do when the living processes the loss of someone that's moved on.
We've talked about um, spirituality a lot on, on the show and our beliefs over the last several seasons,
that really don't um, anchor themselves in any one particular religion.

[2:41] But when things happen like this, it's hard not to believe in or have a hard time believing and all kinds of things because you don't understand why.

[2:57] It could happen like this, right?

[3:02] So for our listeners are my father Silas grandfather passed away um unexpectedly from covid.

[3:14] We won't really get into covid at the moment, but a future episode will definitely talk a little bit more about that and some resources for kids because we're not alone in this.
Unfortunately, unfortunately, we haven't had to deal with the tragic loss of loved ones within our circle the entire time of this pandemic.
And I know that's not unusual for some and some have dealt with this a lot.
So we will come back to that conversation about covid but today we're just going to talk about what it feels like,
to lose somebody that you love and even if you don't have a tight relationship or a very close relationship with somebody that passed on, but someone you care about has lost someone,
that can also bring another wave of emotions and feelings.

[4:14] And it is okay to have all of those feelings.
Don't feel like you can't have those feelings because they're totally normal and they can come in waves, right?
Yeah. Tell me again what you said, it felt like in the house.

[4:33] This last week. It was a feeling you um said had been here before and I thought it was really intuitive of you,
it was the feeling of that was there's a cloud over our house and only our house.
Everyone else has giant smiling suns.
And this has happened before, twice now, twice before this. Now with we lost one of my one of moms other dads, one of my other grandpa's grandpa bear grandpa bear.
And it also happened to my mom's best friend, Naomi Yeah, he passed away of cancer and I thought that that was really insightful of you from your perspective.
To make that analogy, Of course I'd expect nothing less.
I'm the analogy girl that a dark cloud is um is a really great way to put it right?
And every one or two days I see a tiny bit of sun because something else happens that makes us happy and we get happy.
And then we all start remembering what just happened and then we're all like, oh yeah, and then the clouds blow back in a little bit.

[6:02] Yeah, you're right about that. But there are still a lot of silver linings in this process, right?
And a lot of things to think about that, we're grateful for, which seems kind of strange considering.

[6:21] What might have happened. Um but one of those things that you can be grateful about is that you knew that person and that that person was alive.
Yeah. And they had you have the honor of being a part of their life or their legacy or their memories.
And there are ways you can honor that person by sharing memories that you had with.
That person may be sharing pictures with that person wearing their favorite color, eating their favorite foods, like grandpa Lowell's favorite food, the whole wide world gravy on everything.
Gravy on potatoes, gravity, everything.
Yeah. Yeah. That was one of the last things he had was mashed potatoes and gravy. Really?

[7:15] It's a hospital bed. But yeah, they weren't home cooking because that would have been the preference.
Yeah. Or like how, um, how I made you chocolate chip pancakes the other morning because that's what he used to make me when I was your age.
And so those things that we can do that bring back beautiful memories and our really special, that is a lot to be grateful for.
It is it's hard not to be, it's hard to combine those feelings though.
The happy ones with the super sad ones and sometimes,
you don't know what to do with how to combine them and you have to let it out and if you let it out, you can.

[8:11] Surprisingly, it makes you feel a lot better.
Yeah, you're right about that. Like mom, you're crying right now, but you're going to feel better in a minute.
Yeah, because I'll get a big hug from you. Yes that's happening now. Okay.

[8:31] I love you, too. Thank you.
Mhm.

[8:38] So, so you made a great point, sai you know when you're looking on and someone you love is really hurting, maybe they've lost a pet or they've lost someone they love or someone was really hurt that they love.
It's a similar set of feelings, right?
We you Have been very fortunate that in nine years um besides the three people we just mentioned, no one even closer to you has been lost.
And you haven't even lost any pets yet. Oh yes, surprisingly.
Yes. So, you know, it takes a different toll.
The closer people are to you within your circle when you lose them, right?
And I will probably would be way more upset if I knew him even close to how well you knew him, but I was only able to see him a few times,
but you still knew the impact, right?
And so your heart still hurts for me. So what are some things you can do for someone that's hurting or what are some things you have seen others do for us?
Uh this week? That really meant something to you. Uh Some things that I saw where people gave you like flowers to remember and to celebrate,
um

[10:05] To celebrate life flowers in my mind represent ah.

[10:13] Represent life and happiness and flour and your flowers made you super happy,
to remember that person and other people have given you um,
I have given you food because food makes people happy.
I know food is okay, we're not talking about food.
Um you're right, food is healing and it takes something off, you know my responsibility, they know that you know if mom is hurting and it's hard to think about what's for dinner for the whole family, but we all eat.
There's some really generous people out there that um you know, donated or just gift cards or meals or whatever, so we didn't have to think about it.
That took something off your plate, technically added something to your plate, but you know what I mean?

[11:14] Yeah, and then you know what I what I really like is is that a lot of people step up that and reach out,
that you may have not heard from in a while, but they went the extra mile to call or send a card or even send a private message um and just share in the overall.

[11:40] Love and support and condolences, right? Do you know what condolences means?
No. When someone says my deepest condolences or sympathies, it means,
I share in your pain and your sorrow and my heart goes out to you and I support you and I'm sharing love So my condolences is like,
I'm sorry for your loss,
but really it's also I'm happy for the life and the love that you had.
Yeah. So it's not necessarily,
always a sad thing, right? And people say really nice, kind loving things and it's it's people's kindness that really stands out.

[12:32] I think you probably heard me tell that a million times this week, like people are so kind, you know.

[12:41] And sometimes sometimes I've seen that you aren't really ready to talk to people and that's okay, you're right about that.
It's hard to uh believe it or not.

[12:58] It's hard for me to talk, but it is hard to allow your brain to feel like you owe anybody a phone call or that you have to repeat.
You know, a lot of people want to know what happened and what happened, what happened. You got to go through the whole thing again and when it's traumatic or painful, that's hard to do.
I think most people understand that you just need space and just just it's just nice to know people are thinking of you and that's really the one thing but that that goes to another point about compassion.

[13:36] And how can we show more compassion in this life where,
somebody else that may be a really strong person on every day, but maybe really hurting and it's hard to approach them.
But the one thing you should always know is that kindness and love make a big difference.
Really big difference, even if the other person doesn't respond because they can't or they're just not in the right space to do that, they know you're thinking of them and that makes a big, big difference.

[14:15] So we read a great book,
that was one of our favorites, I mean from our favorite kid's book about our favorite kids company, Our favorite kids content company, creating company.
Kids a kids book about And they have a great resource. Why don't you talk about it a little bit?
So this book is a kids book about death,
and it talks about the feelings that you can get from death and it talked about how the process of dying works and in case you don't get how how dying happens.
I'm going to read two pages from this book that explains that Imagine a flower growing in a garden, the sun is shining and everything is just fine, then the flour gets picked.

[15:14] What do you think will happen to the flower with time? The flower will die for people.
It's kind of like that too.
And that is one way to describe in a simple way how death works.
And one uh some other examples of how death can happen is if a vital organ stops working.
Yeah. What are some of the vital organs the book describes?
So other kids know what we consider vital organs to the body's life. Yes.
Dying begins when important parts of the body stops working.
Like the lungs, which brings your air or the heart, which pumps your blood, like the kidneys and the liver.
I am your liver. Sorry, I had to I had to go ahead with the largest organ inside.

[16:10] Sorry. It's a song. You don't need to know any further information that will get stuck in your head.
Another vital organ, your brain like the kidneys and livers which clean your blood and other things like the brain, which tells your body what to do.
These are some of the the vital organs and an important thing is to remember is you can get hurt, but that doesn't mean you're dying.
You could lose arms, you could lose legs, you could lose toes, fingers, hands.

[16:50] Even if the, if the body gets hurt, that does not mean you're dying like you could skin your knee and are you dead?
No, I am still alive and I've skinned my knee 20,000 times correct.
So it really makes a difference when the vital organs are compromised and that was the case with my dad.
COVID took over um the blood clots in his lungs,
and um when your lungs stop, you know, that's when we can use all kinds of modern medicine and ventilators and oxygen to really help out those vital organs.
But if they can't do their job on their own, the life is not possible without support, right?
And that makes it very difficult to go on and nobody wants to live like that.
So unfortunately it wasn't strong enough, but that's what happens.

[17:49] Tell us who the author is silent because this is a really important resource for any kid or grown up that's trying to explain how death works in simplistic terms or how to express the emotions associated with death.
So this book is called a kids book about death and it is by Taryn Schulke.
Yeah, well she did a great job explaining it and just just words just like a kids book about always does.
Yeah, yeah, I'm so grateful for that resource. They also have a kids book about COVID-19 and we will share that next time.

[18:27] And also I am sorry if I mispronounced name uh yeah, Taran will get that right.

[18:35] Yeah, hopefully.

[18:38] Yeah. So I'm glad we had things like this to lean into because it's it is hard to talk about, you know, just like you said, side of the emotions are all over the place, like a big jumbled Storm,
and in one minute you can be happy and,
celebratory for someone's life, for their memories that make you laugh and then also make you cry or you'll be totally fine and something a song will play on the radio and just take you back and making a sad place.
But you are totally correct in saying that every emotion felt and put out during death or someone's passing in their grieving is totally okay.

[19:23] And there are millions of emotions. So we know that too.
There's a whole a kids book about emotions actually. Yeah. You get to color it and there was competition.
Yeah, so I really appreciate how patient and loving you've been this week. Silas, thank you.
I know this can't be easy to watch, but you've been very kind and generous and that's really all I need.
That's all anybody needs. So thank you.
You're welcome. I love you, I love you too.
And to any of our friends out there that have had to deal with this as well, we would of course love to hear from you.
But more importantly, just know that um the loss of a loved one, whether it's a pet or a person is never easy, it's all a part of life.
We all will go through it one day.

[20:16] And if it's happened to you, our hearts go out to you because what was that fancy word for?
Our hearts go out to you, condolences, we give you our condolences, our condolences and our sincere sympathies.
Yes, our condolences go out to you big hugs, we'll see you next time.
See you next time. Bye!