Bullying

The Bully

And so it begins. Name calling, teasing, whispers, dirty looks. Tricks of the bully business as old as the ages, and it is still as shocking and sad for all involved the day it begins for our kids. Bully behavior is happening earlier and earlier these days, with the help of the internet and social media, so how can we teach our kids how to prepare and handle this hurtful behavior from the start? 

This week, Cyla explains a bit of how this started for her and shares some tips on how to cope from a kids perspective. We also tap into resources from our favs, A Kids Book About Bullying by Elizabeth Tom for more insight. Grown ups of girls can also learn how to apply real world techniques from the incredibly helpful book No More Mean Girls, written by child and adolescent psychotherapist Katie Hurley. 

Grab your kids and listen in. Together, let’s remind them to treat others how they wish to be treated and that kindness really does make the world go ‘round.
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Massive thanks to the awesome friends that lent their voices to our vision at the top of each episode.  Kelley Buttrick, Jill Perry, Nicole & Lila Britton, Trevor Johns, Caroline Slaughter, Tiffany Morgan, Cassie & Sabrina Glow ++ Jason Shablik & Van Gunter for their audio genius - we adore you all! 

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In Gratitude,

Rachael Laya & Cyla Grace Hoffman

Transcript

[0:01] Hey friends, it's Rachel here, checking in ahead of today's episode to give you a heads up.
This episode is about bullying and it's a sensitive topic because some of our kids have yet to experience this, but as most of us grownups know it's only a matter of time, in today's culture and society is changing rapidly, so if now is not the time to have this conversation with your kids, put us on pause and come back to it when you're ready and if it is listen in because these are important lessons and conversations to have with our kids now so we can teach them how to be kinder, more loving, gentle humans that take care of each other.

[0:41] We mentioned one important book as a resource today, a kid's book about bullying you can check our show notes for a link to that and in addition to that I want to offer another resource no more mean girls by Katie Hurley.
This one is really good with examples and lessons, you can teach your girls on how to become strong advocates for themselves and kinder humans for their future.

[1:05] Thanks again for listening Hey friends, welcome to the she sounds like me podcast,
we're your hosts, rachael laya hoffman and I'm cyla grace Hoffman were a mom a daughter duo that works together, plays together and tries to figure out this crazy world together Yeah, mom,
and we're super grateful you could join us today,
this is the she sounds like me podcast she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me she sounds like me,
Welcome to the she sounds like me podcast whoA whoA,
whoA, hold up mom before we get this party started we got to let them know the goods first Friends if you like what you hear, subscribe to this podcast on your chosen platform, give us a five star review or join our conversation online.
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Okay mom, now let's get to it, let's get to it.
Alright, Silas, here we go.

[2:11] Hello. Hello. Hard to see it coming home from school with a sad face today. Yeah.

[2:20] When you got in the car you said I hate school but you don't right.
Yeah. I guess what happened today that made you feel that way?

[2:32] Um Well a few people in my classes are being really unkind.

[2:42] What are you doing physically mentally mentally and what are they doing?
They're calling me names and I bet that's super hard to hear. Mhm.

[2:55] Yeah. I know the feeling well it's called bullying and it's not okay.

[3:02] And even though what they say isn't true and you know that that it's not true, it doesn't take the sting away from how it hurts inside.
You got that right? And it's totally taken the love of being at school away too right.
Especially because we've got a new teacher now and maybe she doesn't know the kids that well.
So she's just trying to get used to it and she's overwhelmed and then she doesn't realize that other people are not being fair and yeah and I bet it's super distracting. Huh?
For learning when that's happening takes your mind off of what's important which is studying or the topic at hand makes you feel real.

[3:50] Crummy. Huh? Like a piece of cake. Crumbling into a million pieces because someone just took their hand in it.

[4:00] They're really shaky hands. Yeah, covered in slime.
Oh yeah, that's a good analogy. I'm definitely getting a visual.

[4:12] Well from a parent's perspective, when I hear something like that, that's happening, it makes me want to take that slimy hand and shove it in that person's face.

[4:27] I know the feeling makes me really mad.
It makes me really angry. Makes me mad at a kid or a group of kids. It makes me mad at the school or the teacher for not seeing it and doing something about it.
It makes me want to go up there and find that person's parent and tell them that their child is being unkind and that they should raise a better human.
But the reality is I can't do any of that.
I can but you can't. But it doesn't solve anything.
Unfortunately. It it solves nothing.
That's not true actually. I want to take that back because one of the things that one of the resources that you have is to tell someone, especially in the third grade.
Yeah. 3rd grade is where it all gets messy, really messy. The cake is everywhere.
The cake is everywhere. But you are strong and smart and very capable child who knows emotionally and socially the right way to feel and handle things.
I know how to put my cake back together,
you do use Frosting to smush the pieces together, it might not be perfect, but it works.

[5:49] Yeah, but there's so much more than that and together as we often,
are able to tap into one of the better resources that we found, which is a kid's book about bullying bullying Yeah, and we got to read it because I wanted to share some,
Insight on a kid's perspective and what's awesome about this is this book by Elizabeth Tom who is only 14 years old Yeah, and she was bullied because of a disability,
which is so not fair, I mean, bullying in general is not fair, but to make fun of someone who has a disability in life is cruel,
I mean it's just downright cruel not bullying should be a law like a detention law, go to detention,
Yeah, no matter what age,
but like Elizabeth Tom says in the book who is the author of this fabulous book, she gives what she thinks bullying is, she thinks bullying is.

[6:57] And I quote when you hurt someone else, it's because you are hurting inside.

[7:03] And that makes a lot of sense to me, it does when you got done reading this book, did it give you some perspective on maybe why these kids are doing what they're doing.
Can you share any of that? So like something probably happened to them like they were bullied or something and there they have no one else to take it out on.
So they're just taking it out on me and that's not fair, right, It's totally not fair.
So they're hurting inside for a number of reasons, Right? Right. Like.
Maybe someone's pulling them or something is going on in their family or inside their house or maybe just something going on with friends or people Yeah.
Or maybe they want attention, they want to, they want to act cool in front of their friends, like this particular group of little boys are trying to do, they're trying to find their position and their crew and so they think it's cool to be mean,
which especially to girls, which is.

[8:09] Unfortunately for them actually a sign of weakness because anybody that hurt or inflict pain either physically emotionally or verbally is just a sign of weakness.
And another reason boys and girls might bully the opposite gender is because they might actually have a crush on the person, they're bullying and they just want to show that they're tough.
Yeah, you know, I've heard that before and I think a lot of, you know of the,
old school belief or or what some of the elders might be passing down to young kids is that oh, he just has a crush on you and blow it off right?
Like, oh, boys just tease you when they have a crush on you.
You know, it's like kind of pulling your pigtails right on the playground type thing. They're just trying to get your attention, but I disagree with that.
And actually that whole statement makes me even matter why are we teaching our boys that that's okay to do, to tease and belittle women girls, no, what makes that okay?
I think that's, I think that's crap and if,
you know, if if you brush that off to kind of diminish your feelings when your daughter comes to you and says that and you say, oh yeah, they're just teasing you because they like you.
Well then that discredits your feelings.

[9:32] You're genuinely hurt by these five boys that are, you know, relentless and their and their negative comments. And and so I I don't agree with that.
Maybe there's something to that, but I don't agree with us making that the excuse, right? It's time for a change in that regard.

Marker 01

[9:49] The other thing I will say is this when we use the excuse, they must just have a crush on you were not only diminishing your feelings, but we're also saying it's okay to be treated like that,
by someone that loves you or someone that likes you and that's not right,
That's systemically wrong.
And so I don't agree with that at all. Right. Same thing with girls too though. You're right, you're absolutely right.
And so I know it hurts in the moment, but if you can look at those people in the eye when they're saying those things and just see right past their words into their sad soul,
maybe that will help a little bit of perspective.
And when it doesn't what's another thing you can do, you can go tell a trusted adult.
Not tabling. Because tabling is you're just trying to get someone in trouble telling is when someone's getting hurt physically or mentally.

[10:53] Yeah. And like that we, you know, when you came home today, I said, you know, what would make you comfortable, would it be okay if I took action, right?
Because because I'm your trusted adult in this particular situation, which I'm super grateful for.
I hope in all situations, let's be real.
I mean you're my mother. So like, like it should be like a thing.
But um, but I could escalate it by talking to another trusted adult that could absolutely help take action when I can't be there, Which is your teacher, right?
And or my dad, right.

[11:35] Unfortunately. And as much as dad would like to be there because he could give somebody a mean mug look like nobody's business.
It's a lot easier for your teacher to keep an eye on when you're at school unless he's spying on it, like turning red red panda, right?
So we told your teacher and immediately got a response and how that make you feel.
It made me feel like I really could trust them good and that they would be there if that kept happening.
Yeah. And they're going to shut it down right now in the third grade. That's a little bit easier to do.
But as you get older, the bullying is going to get more intense,
when I'm hearing from stories of parents that have kids in fifth grade in middle school, especially kids can be awful and because of the onset of social media,
instagram, tiktok Snapchat et cetera.

[12:34] Bad kids can spread bad words and and rumors like wildfire,
and be really, really hurtful social media and all like all those platforms unless you're making like a cute filter for a photo,
should be banned for all of like the middle schoolers and all the kids.
Yeah, well that's a whole other conversation, but I have to disagree with you.
Even cute filters give a distorted perspective on what we think image or a healthy image should be.
So we want to be careful about those two, but I know what you mean.
You're talking about cat ears and puppy dog faces and I, I digress.
But yeah, so it's important now to teach you, teach you some tools and ways that you can help protect yourself and your friends and your sanity and your heart because it will get worse.

[13:30] And we won't always be there to protect you and your teachers won't always have your back because there might just be too many kids and it might be out of their control.
It's very hard to police social media even though you can report bullies by reporting them to the individual administrators on those platforms, they don't always get flagged,
and sometimes, you know, even if a post gets taken down or something gets retracted off line,
it already hurt, right, You already know what's happening.
So it can get very, very scary and sometimes you just want to curl up into a ball and cry and that's okay, that's okay.
But one of the best things you can do is what Silas I mean at the end of the day, if you act with love you'll receive love, at least that's the best thing that you can do.
But but really to wrap it up, one of the things she says that I think is super important, I'd love to hear from you, she says treat others how you want to be treated.
Yeah, put the energy out that you expect to get in return and that will make a world of difference.
So, you know, it's kind of like the old saying goes, sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.

[14:48] I think it's really that words will always hurt more and so we have to choose our words wisely right having been through this situation, how does that make you feel about how you might treat someone else?

[15:02] I mean sometimes you want to hurt people back,
because you're hurting and sometimes you do it on accident but you never want to bully people, it's just overall wrong and it won't make you feel any better in the long run and exactly you might feel worse about yourself.

[15:23] I mean it makes no sense to bully people. Why is that even a thing?
Why did that come across? Why is that a thing? It started, it started as racism, racism and then it's turned into something smaller, but at the same time it's turned into something bigger.
It's so confusing.
Yeah, I think a lot of bullying comes from like we said earlier, hurt place and that can show its head and insecurity.
You know, when girls start to bully other girls, it's because,
they may be jealous or envious of what somebody else has or looks like or the you know that somebody else is better in sports or better in school or better in math and,
and that can come through an insecurity of their own self because maybe they weren't taught about confidence,
and kindness and that's the thing you should always try to have at least.
Yeah, well that's what we're trying to instill in you the best we can and I think we're doing a pretty good job well, thanks for sharing that with us today.
Cyla grace ince's not unique unfortunately.
That's probably happening to a lot of kids that are listening right now at some point in their life and if it hasn't already it will.

[16:40] I can remember when you came to me in kindergarten, you wouldn't wear pants because people were making fun of you that you looked like a boy if you wore pants, so you would only wear dresses in kindergarten now, I can.

[16:56] Wear a dress, but it can start at a really young age and even adults can do it to Children to, you know, it's not just, it's not just your peers or your age level.
We can, you know, adults bully each other on social media, adults can bully kids accidentally by some of the things they say.
So it's really important to think about the words we use and how we're using them at all times because you're right and the author Elizabeth tom is also right.
You know, treat others as you want to be treated. And that's how we can all do better make the world a better place, treat people how you would like to be treated,
Yeah, yeah. Thanks again for sharing and being so open and honest and vulnerable with us today, with with me and with your listeners.
I really appreciate it. Thank you. And together. Hopefully you can feel better about the situation.
Thank you If you've been bullied or want to share some experiences with us, please join us on social media in a positive way with positive comments.
Or send us an email or reach out to us through our website at she sounds like me dot com.
Thanks for listening. Yeah. And be kind, be kind and we'll see you next time.
Don't be the slimy hand.

[18:20] Don't be the cake either, But you know, alright. Thanks everybody. Bye.